Polar Bear Cafe - Is This True Love?
by jacobbler
Summary: Panda decides it is time to get to the bottom of Handa's feelings for Sasako, with a Love Quiz!


PREFACE FOR READERS

-Polar Bear cafe is an animated series that is set in a world

in which humans and animals coexist, but less in a Disney

way and more in a Bojack Horesman kind of way, in that they

are basically just people that have jobs and what not. Any of

the characters named after a specific animal, are indeed that

animal. Just wanted to clarify in case there is any

confusion! Specific story context: Handa (a human) and Panda

(a panda) are coworkers, and Handa (a human) has a crush on

Sasako, who works at Polar Bear's Cafe, but is terrified of

talking to her about it.

INT. POLAR BEAR'S CAFE - DAY

The familiar jingle of the door opening rings out. CLINK

CLINK CLINK.

Polar Bear's Cafe is a warm and cozy locale, reminiscent of a

home rather than a Starbucks.

In walks PANDA. He spots HANDA sitting

PANDA

Handa-san Handa-san!

HANDA

Yes Panda?

PANDA

What is something you just can't

live without?

HANDA

Hmmmm...something I can't live

without? Oh, Vaccum filters!

PANDA

Handa-san, do you want to be alone

forever like Mr. Penguin?

PENGUIN

Why are you dragging me into this?

PANDA

Don't interrupt Mr. Penguin, I'm

interviewing Handa. What are your

biggest fears and regrets?

Panda pulls a miniature panda shaped notepad out of his pack.

HANDA

Well, last night I was walking by

the river-

PANDA

Ooooooh, the perfect place for a

long romantic walk with Sasa-

Handa shoots across the table and covers Panda's mouth, just

in time as SASAKO walks up with their drinks and an order of

bamboo shoots for Panda. Handa is paralyzed with FEAR.

Panda keeps trying to talk, muffled.

SASAKO

Here's your drinks! Did someone say

my name?

HANDA

MS. SASAKO! Panda was just um, he

was just...

Across the restaurant customers wave for more drinks.

SASAKO

Coming!

She leaves with a smile on her face.

Penguin leans in closer to the duo, Handa still covering

Panda's mouth. His muffled voice getting louder.

PENGUIN

Well I guess that answers that

question...

Handa finally lets go of Panda's face and regains his

composure.

Penguin takes a drink of his Cafe Mocha. Handa sighs in

relief. Glares at Panda.

HANDA

That was too close Panda! You

gotta...Panda?

Handa scratches his head.

Panda has fallen asleep.

HANDA (CONT'D)

I really should be going then...

PENGUIN

Escape while you can, the smell of

the bamboo shoots...

Panda begins to stir. Handa starts to get up.

PANDA

Did someone say bamboo shoots?

He looks at the plate reverently. He begins eating. MUNCH

MUNCH MUNCH.

Handa almost makes it to the door when SUDDENLY-

PANDA (CONT'D)

Handa-san...I'm not done asking my

questions.

INT. POLAR BEAR'S CAFE - LATER

Handa is once again seated at the table, begrudgingly.

Several cups of finished drinks line the table. Handa is

cleaning his.

PANDA

This is important Handa, we have to

find out if you and Ms. Sasako

really are meant to be together.

Panda looks off in the distance dreamily.

HANDA

I don't think this is the best

place to be doing it though...

He looks in the distance to see Sasako not 20 feet away

dealing with a customer.

PENGUIN

Nonsense, haven't you ever heard of

hiding in plain sight?!

Penguin hops up on the table, staring down Handa.

PENGUIN (CONT'D)

Have you learned nothing stand up

comedy routine, The Penko Saga?

(story context: Penguin is really

bad at stand up comedy)

PANDA AND HANDA(SIMULTANIOUS)

Yes we've heard it before!

Penguin is still on the table, less energetic.

PENGUIN (SHEEPISHLY)

Do you want to hear it again?

PANDA AND HANDA (SIMULTANIOUS)

NO!

Penguin slides back into his seat deflated. Takes a sip of

his drink.

Panda returns his attention to Handa.

PANDA

What is the quality you like most

in a woman?

HANDA

What kind of question is that

Panda?

PANDA

Answer the question Handa. Your

future depends on it.

Handa leans in closer to Panda.

HANDA (QUIETLY)

Well...I suppose it would be,

someone...nice.

PANDA

Eeeeeeh? That's it? Nice? Bamboo

shoots make me happy, but I don't

love them.

HANDA

Well...maybe not just nice, but

someone that makes me happy-

PANDA

What am I saying, of course I love

bamboo shoots. Mmmmmmmmmm.

Panda eats a mouthful of more shoots. His attention is fully

on the shoots now.

PENGUIN

I think what this bamboo addict is

trying to say is you gotta be more

specific.

HANDA

Oh, what were specific things you

liked about the Penkos?

PENGION

EH! It...it doesn't matter! We're

talking about you here not me.

HANDA

Specifics huh? Well, I think that-

Sasako comes by the table once again.

SASAKO

More cafe mocha Mr. Penguin?

PENGUIN

Yes please, thank you!

SASAKO

Anything for you Handa?

Handa is blushing.

HANDA

Specifics...

PENGUIN

Nothing for him...

SASAKO

Sure thing, I'll be back!

Sasako glides away, once again a smile on her face.

PENGUIN

Well...that asnwers that.

Handa follows her with his beaming eyes, a slight blush in

his cheeks.

Panda is still stuffing his face with bamboo shoots.

PENGUIN (CONT'D)

This is taking entirely too long

with him in charge.

He points a flipper at Panda.

PANDA

Huh? Were we doing something?

Panda returns to eating without a care in the world.

PENGUIN

Alright Handa-san, let's get to the

bottom of this.

Penguin grabs Panda's notebook and looks at the questions

written on it.

PENGUIN (CONT'D)

Next question. What is your most

marked characteristic?

HANDA

Oh! That I'm a zookeeper!

PENGUIN

Hmmm Zookeeper...ok...

Penguin writes it down on the notepad.

PENGUIN (CONT'D)

What is your motto?

HANDA

A motto?

PENGUIN

Yeah, something you say a lot, like

"can I get another cafe mocha?"

That's probably mine.

HANDA

Aaaah. Motto...maybe mine is "I

have to go clean my bathroom"!

(story context: There's an episode

where Handa is trying to get out of

hanging out with friends and he

keeps using that as his excuse)

Handa looks at the duo satisfied with his answer.

HANDA (CONT'D, QUESTIONINGLY) (CONT'D)

Does that count?

Panda gets right up next to Handa's face.

PANDA

Wooow, your bathroom must be gross

if you have to clean it so much.

Might not want Sasako to see

that...

HANDA (SHOCKED)

WHAT? Do you really think its

dirty? I should go clean it.

He catapults out of his seat.

PENGUIN

Wait Handa! There's more questions!

You're supposed to answer all of

them!

HANDA

I can't let Sasako see that, what

if she...what if she comes over one

day?

Handa blushes profusely.

Mr. Handa runs out of the cafe.

PENGUIN

I Don't think that's going to be a

concern any time soon at this

rate...

PANDA

Eeeeh? I never should have left you

in charge Penguin.

PENGUIN

Leave me in charge? You started

eating and fell asleep!

PANDA

But that's what I do.

Panda stares blankly at Mr. Penguin. Penguin starts to get

worked up but then...

PENGUIN

Ah...Eh...Uh...You have a point.

Penguin relaxes.

PENGUIN (CONT'D)

What do we do with the rest of the

questions?

PANDA

Eeeeeeh you didn't even ask them

all?

PENGUIN

No, he ran out, you just saw that.

PANDA

I don't have time to keep track of

all the details, that's why I have

underlings like you.

PENGUIN

Underling? Is that how you see me

Panda?

PANDA

Yes! But in exchange you get to

watch me eat and fall asleep for

free! People at the zoo have to pay

for that.

Panda gleams cutely. Penguin's brow twitches.

PANDA (CONT'D)

Now let's finish these questions.

PENGUIN

But...they were for Handa.

PANDA (EXAGGERATED)

I waaaant to fiiiiind looove

tooooo!

PENGUIN

Do you have someone in mind Panda?

PANDA

Maybe...

Panda grins, looking embarassed.

PENGUIN

Ok, the next one was "how old are

you?

PANDA

I'm nine years old (note that those

are Panda years).

PENGUIN

Oh yeah, that's right. Ok, what do

you care about most?

PANDA

Ooooh, bamboo shoots are the best!

Or sleeeping. Oh or lazing about!

But sometimes lazing around just

can't be beat...and Pandas are the

cutest too!

Penguin tries to keep up with his writing as the list grows

longer and longer. He stops.

PENGUIN

I'm just going to put "Panda

Things".

PANDA

Those are the best things.

Panda fiddles with his panda themed sachet.

PENGUIN

Would you say you're proud of who

you are Panda?

PANDA

Of course! I'm the cutest one at

the zoo!

PENGUIN

Is that really all that it takes to

make you proud of yourself?

PANDA

Yup. It's easy to be proud of

yourself when you're the best.

Penguin sighs.

PENGUIN

Just a few more questions Panda.

PANDA

Good, because I'm getting hungry

again.

Panda paws at his now empty plate.

PENGUIN

What odd habits or ticks do you

have?

PANDA

Well, sometimes when I'm lazing

around at home my mom uses the

vacuum to try and suck me up. I

hate it when she does that.

INT. PANDA'S HOUSE, FLASHBACK - DAY

His mom doing just that with a smile on her face.

PANDA

Aaaaaaah doooooon't suuuuuck me

uuuuup.

END FLASHBACK

INT. POLAR BEAR'S CAFE - MOMENTS LATER

Panda shudders.

PENGUIN

Does that really answer the

question Panda?

PANDA (SARCASTIC)

Are you proud of who you are Mr.

Penguin?

Panda shakes his head in dismay.

PENGUIN (MUTTERING)

EH! What, is that supposed to mean!

You get fesity when you're

hungry...anyway, next

question...why does your journey

matter to you?

PANDA

Eeeeeh? Does it have to be a

journey? Can't it just be a laying

around?

PENGUIN

Even in questionnaires your

laziness knows no bounds.

PANDA

Like I said, I'm the best at what I

do. Now let me see the paper!

PENGUIN

What? Why? You know what it says

already-

PANDA (EXCITED)

Wooooooow, my answers are soooo

goood!

He looks at the paper lovingly. Glowing.

PENGUIN

Panda...is the person you're in

love with...yourself?

PANDA

Mhmm. I'm sooooo cute.

PENGUIN

I think we've done enough here.

Panda continues stretches cutely in his seat, a group of

onlookers "aaaaw" at him.

Penguin sighs.


End file.
